If I Were President I would impose

Marshall Law

(A collection of pet peeves and some possible solutions)

If I were president I would make the President the Omnipotent Dictator and Royal Grand Pubah. My proclamations would be law.

Four weeks of vacation would be standard at all jobs.

Ketchup in those little squeeze packets would be outlawed at all restaurants except for takeout.

Leaving hair on the soap in the shower would be punishable by flogging.

Anyone answering a cell phone in a restaurant would be tossed out the front door and their dinner would follow them.

No steak could be served “well done”.

Jet Skis would be outlawed. No excuses.

Anyone that mowed his or her lawn before 9:00 am would be assaulted with a weed eater.

If your dogs barked more than three times after 11:00 pm you would have to mow my lawn (but not before 9:00 am).

Car stereos that could be heard more than 30 feet away would be confiscated and destroyed.

Anyone that said “like”, “you know”, “know what I mean”?, or “you understand what I’m saying”? more than twice in a single conversation would have their tongue surgically removed.

If you walk your dog and it poops or pees in my yard I can pick it up with a shovel and fling it at you.

Anyone who threw a cigarette butt out of his or her car window would be made to stop and eat it.

Political correctness would be outlawed.

Illegal aliens would have no legal rights. If you’re illegal, how can you have legal rights?

Rush Limbaugh, Phil Donahue, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, the NRA, and ACLU, would have to put on boxing gloves and get a ring duke it out.  I'm tired of all their bitching.

Any company that used any telephone system that required you to “press 1” for any reason would be taxed at 90% of their gross income.

Welcome mats wired to house current would be legal to use on anybody that knocked on my door and tried to get me to change my religion.

Anyone begging for money at a traffic light would be a legitimate target for any driver.

O.J. would be given 30 days to find the “real killer”. If he were unsuccessful he would spend the rest of his life begging at traffic lights. (Nevermind,  O.J. won't be bothering anybody for a long time now)

Caller I.D. would be required to identify all telephone solicitors as PTA’s (pain in the….). A special button on all phones would electrically shock anybody on the other end identified as a PTA.

All margaritas would be “on the rocks”.

Racism would be punishable by 10 years hard labor. Hollering racism because you screwed up or you can’t hack it would be punishable by 15 years.

Deadbeat parents would be burned at the stake.

America would join the rest of the world and use the metric system.

After we convert to the metric system, the Brits would be required to use a decimal based money system. What’s a farthing anyway?

Sneaker manufacturers would be made to manufacture shoes that don’t squeak on floors when you walk inside on a rainy day.

Doctors would be made to cover your deductible if they made you wait more than 15 minutes for your appointment.

Every criminal would be required to serve ALL of his or her sentence. No time off for good behavior. Time would be added for bad behavior.

No innocent by reason of insanity plea. You could be guilty but insane but you'd be sent to a maximum security mental facility that would look like a prison to all of us sane people.  After you are deemed sane, you would have to start serving your sentence in a regular jail.

People who refuse to use their turn signals would be required to drive straight until their car ran out of gas. Walk home once and you’d learn to be considerate to the rest of us.

No more sin taxes. I don’t tax your church. Don’t tax my vices.

No one would be required to wear motorcycle helmets or seat belts. If you want to die it’s you own damn business.

Child seats would be required. Children aren’t old enough to decide it’s their own damn business.

Drinking age would be 18 or the draft would be 21. How can the government tell you you are old enough to be sent to war but you're not old enough to drink a beer to celebrate when you win.

Only boys would be allowed in the Boy Scouts. Only girls would be allowed in the Girl Scouts.

NASCAR would be the national sport. Not because it’s my favorite or because it's the best. Because they’ve never gone on strike and have the brass to work at a job that could get them killed. I’m tired of $2,000,000.00 a year pansies who think they’re great even though they don’t get to base 70% of the time they come to bat.

No corporate executive would be allowed to make more than 10 times the salary of the lowest paid person at his or her company.

Free food for anyone within earshot of one of those stupid birthday songs in all restaurants.

Draw and quarter anybody that clogs traffic in a parking lots so that they can get a better parking space. These people really piss me off. They will hold up the entire world so that they can get a parking space 100 feet closer to the store and then get out and walk 2 friggin miles through the Super Wal-mart.

All magazines would have to put page numbers on the lower outside corner of EVERY page.

No magazine article would be continued on some page in the back. All articles would have to be continuous from beginning to end.

There's more to come.