Not my circus, not my clowns.

I can be your mom or your wife. Your wife puts out, your mom does not.

If you want me to stay your wife, you need to respect me.

No, is a complete sentence.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

If you do set yourself on fire, you will be warm for the rest of your life.

Happiness is a choice.

You are casting pearls before swine.

If you are stuck under a fallen beam in a burning building, you need to lift the beam off yourself before you can help others.

"Life is hard. It's harder when you're stupid". - John Wayne

With wisdom and laughter come wrinkles.

People see what they want. Some see manatees, others see mermaids.

The lightbulb is never to blame for the roaches in the pantry.

The axe forgets, the tree remembers.

A rising tide floats all ships.

Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are for.

Calm seas don't make skilled sailors.

Bad news does not get better with age.

If you make a "joke" at someone else's expense, have enough skin for the shrapnel.

Don't start fires and then complain about the smoke.

We all made mistakes in the past. Remember the lesson, not the disappointment.

Just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean it won't be a lot of fun.

Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, and it's starting to rain.

I'll go to his funeral but not his birthday party.

He knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Don't make a big announcement about yourself at other peoples celebrations.

Not my hill to die on.

If you don't discipline your child, the world will do it for you.

In the kingdom of the blind, a one-eyed man is King.

In an insane world, a sane man appears insane.

A mistake that makes you humble, is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

She can't remember anything she did wrong and she can't forget anything I did.

If you're asking me for advice, I'm going to assume you are out of other options.

The best disinfectant is sunlight.

I think somebody blew his pilot light out.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and take a stroll out of my mouth. It's never a good thing.

Don't ruin a good today by reliving a bad yesterday.

You don't get to decide whether you were a good parent, your kids do.

Sometimes it is better to beg forgiveness than ask for permission.

If you never ask, the answer is always no.

Praise publicly, criticize privately.

Men build houses, women make homes.

They never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

In the Middle East things will always get worse before they get worse.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

Before you try to hurt my feelings keep this in mind. I don't have any and you probably do.

I'm responsible for what I say. Not what you understand.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

My goal in life is to piss off at least one person a day. Right now, I'm years ahead of schedule.

The truth will never get in the way of a good story.

If you can't look back at your younger self and know that you were an idiot, you're probably still an idiot.

The line between inspired and insane can be a fine one.

Don't start fires and then complain about the smoke.

He who pays the piper calls the tunes.

Bad decisions make good stories.

At my age, if you text me after 9:00 pm, I'm going to text you back at 4:30 am.

The mind is not a vessel to be filled. It is a fire to be lighted.

Indecision is worse than a bad decision.

Sometimes you gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

Beware of the anger of a patient man.

Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Don't kick the anthill.

Life is about memories, not money.

I thought getting old would take longer.

And so together, they built a life they love.

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes, the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

Stupid should hurt.  Sometimes it does.